An Ounce of Prevention

     In his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard states “that Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means…We should be prepared for his attacks…By being aware of the danger signs we can prevent the problems that being so innocently but end so disastrously.” Things happen every day, everywhere in our lives that could easily draw us away from the one we have made covenants with. This became all too real for me soon after my husband and I were married but, at the time, I wasn’t aware of how disastrous it could have been.

     I worked at a large retail chain store and had many friends, one of which, being a man just a little older than me but had developed a friendship with. Not long after, I met, dated and married, my husband but didn’t stop being friends with this gentleman because we both worked in the same department. It was hard to avoid him. At the time, I was naive to things like this but still should have known better because my mom always taught me to avoid even the appearance of evil. One day, he asked me to go to lunch with him. Again, not thinking beyond two co-workers having lunch together, I accepted. It wasn’t until later that day when my husband and I chatted that I was made aware of the danger this presented to our relationship. 

     From that day on, we made the agreement to never be along with anyone of the opposite sex. We have lived that to the best of our abilities. If something were to happen that involved something of that nature, we would call each other in advance to let the other know which was the case about a year ago when my boss needed a ride to the dealership to pick up his car after repair service. 

     In the past few weeks, I received some opposition to the agreement my husband and I have made. My boss likes to give us money to take another employee out to lunch for is assigned to us in whatever random order is chosen. I was asked to take a male co-worker. When I shared the agreement I had with my husband with this person and others in the office, I was told how ridiculous it was when I asked to do a group thing rather than one on one. One person told me that it defeated the purpose of the activity, which was to get to know someone else in the office outside of work. Regardless of how they felt though, I’m standing my ground about honoring the commitment I made with my husband. We will see what happens but I’m hoping he will accept my offer to take both him and his wife to dinner with my husband.

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     It is situations like these, Satan will make it seem innocent enough and try to weasel a wedge into our relationships. It’s hard to tell at first but if you follow the guidelines listed below from Goddard, you can prevent any disasters waiting to take your marriage down. Here is Goddard’s list:

• Don’t allow thoughts, fantasies, etc of anyone to take root in your heart or mind.
• Be aware of the messages you give to others, especially to those of the opposite sex.
• Don’t look for and make excuses to spend time alone with anyone other than your spouse.
• If you find yourself making excuses, get help! 
• Make every effort to not be alone with someone you may have feelings for that is not your spouse.
• Stay away from pornography.
• Look for ways and excuses to spend more time with your spouse.
• Recommit yourself to your spiritual studies and experiences.
• Celebrate your marriage and your spouse.

     As I look back on that first experience many years ago, I recognize the things that could have gone wrong. But I am grateful for a husband that helped me see the error, forgave me quickly, and then committed us to the arrangement that we have honored all these years. By adding the preventions Goddard suggests, we can strengthen our commitment as we look for and prepare for all the ways Satan attacks the love we share. 

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007) Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Energizer of Relationships

H. Wallace Goddard, in the conclusion of his book, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," states that "Jesus is not only the Creator of worlds but the Energizer of relationships." He teaches us throughout the book that the Lord not only needs to be a partner in our relationship to prosper but "He must be the ruling partner." It is through Him that we are successful in our marriages and can see beyond the little (and sometimes big) things that irate us about our spouse. 

One way Christ helps us to be successful is through charity. Christ was the great exemplar of charity. He sees beyond the sin and pain and accepts the gift that is offered from the lowest of persons. Goddard teaches that when we love our spouse as they are, regardless of what is perceived as flaws, we won't care that they change and it is in that "very thing that liberates them to change."

I have seen this principle work in my own life. As a young wife with small kids, I would often sit in a Relief Society meeting and hear lessons of what I thought I wanted my husband to be. I dreamed of the strong priesthood leader in my home that would come home from work on a Monday night and lead our family in a spiritual discussion that would take our children on the path of the gospel truth. It wasn't long before I realized, at that time, it wasn't what my husband could give. Most days, it was all he could do to peal himself out of bed just to provide a living for our small family. It wasn't until he lost his job and I accepted him for all that he could give that things began to change for us. I was the one that lead our family in those spiritual discussions. It was my efforts that got our children to church every week so they knew our traditions and dedication to the gospel to living according to the covenants we made. When I learned to back off on my expectations and love my husband for what he could give, that is when he began to be a greater force in our home and in the Priesthood. Today, he is the Priesthood leader I saw in him so many years ago. Today, he is the force of good and strength in our home that I knew he could be when he struggled so much. I create this to the Spirit helping me to see his potential, not his lack. 

Goddard ends his chapter on charity by stating that "our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don't wait to be loved." Today, my husband is the husband I dreamed of. Not because he is active in the church and leading our family in good, gospel discussions, but because he loves me for me just as much as I love him for him. And most of all, we love the Lord and truly make Him the Energizer of our relationship. 

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Challenge Accepted

One thing I have enjoyed about this marriage class are the tools we have learned to help us deal with issues in our marriage. But I couldn’t help think of the many times where I have stonewalled or dissolved in angry silence because I didn’t want to deal with the issue or felt I wasn’t the one that needed to change. As I thought about those times and studied these lessons, I wondered how I could change my own heart to put these tools into practice. How could I learn to give my spouse the knowledge that I know him and respect him rather than be critical of what I thought he was doing wrong. 

In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John M. Gottman states that “There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.” This basically means that there are two sides to any situation and we have to be willing to step back from our side and try to see it from their perspective. We also need to “focus on fondness and admiration” and forgive because when we are willing to forgive our spouse, we both receive the benefits of that forgiveness.

As I think about how to change my own issues in conflicts, Gottman came up with a “new model for resolving conflict” and here are the steps: 

1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

Something that hit home for me in the reading was the example that Gottman used in his book where he talked about how this all boils down to having good manners. We need to have the same respect for our spouse that we would have for someone staying in our home. If they were to forget something or have an accident in our home, we would not yell, belittle or insult them. We shouldn’t do this to our loved one either. This is one thing I am trying harder to do. My husband deserves my respect and good manners. Showing him these things will help me to use the model Gottman teaches to resolve the conflicts that I face in my marriage. 

All this goes hand in hand with what H. Wallace Goddard says in his book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” when he states, “I must be willing to give away all my petty preferences in order to know the godliness in Nancy’s soul.” He goes on to say that we have to be willing to concentrate everything we have to our spouse and our relationship. We need to be willing to accept and look past the little things as much as we want them to do the same for us. Marriage is a covenant we made with God and our spouse. If Christ can bear our pains in the Garden of Gethsemane as Goddard states in his book, then we should be able to bear the trials we will experience in marriage. He can help us find ways to love our spouse more and to “give gladly and wholeheartedly.”

I love the action item Goddard purposes at the end of our reading this week. He asks, “Are you willing to try a 30-day experiment. For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner? Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner? Are you willing to invest your whole soul in the hope that you will gain eternal joy?” To his questions, I hope that we all say, “Challenge accepted!” With our whole heart and with gladness so that we can experience all the blessings Heavenly Father has in store of us and consecrate all that we have you our spouses.

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Pride, The Great Destroyer

“When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod.” President Ezra Taft Benson, “Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989

President Ezra Taft Benson, in an article entitled “Beware of Pride,” reminds us that the scriptures tell us that “there is no such thing as righteous pride…” because pride is “self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness…Pride is competitive in nature…” It is because of pride that we turn our backs on the tools that could help us be better people in all that we do. It is pride that does not allow us to see what we have done wrong, repent, and mend broken hearts. 

However, President Benson tells us that “the antidote to pride is humility-meekness, submissiveness…the broken heart and contrite spirit…” When something is amiss in our relationships, we don’t have control over anyone other than ourselves. If we want something to change for the better, we must be willing to let go of our pride and make those changes.

In his book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” H Wallace Goddard states that “anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is…an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” This has been something I have felt more in recent years. I have learned during this time that when I let go of whatever it is that is driving me crazy and focus more serving my spouse, then things are happier in our home. 

As a young married woman, there were things I thought were driving me crazy. We would talk about those things but nothing would ever change. It wasn’t until years later and after lots of my own learning, did I realize I was focused on the wrong things. As I turned my focus more on the Spirit, I found ways to be more supportive of my husband and things began to change in even better ways than I could have imagined. Today, when I find that something is starting to irritate me, I call myself to repentance and look for ways to show a greater increase of love. This truly has brought a better spirit into our home and into my heart.

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.