Challenge Accepted

One thing I have enjoyed about this marriage class are the tools we have learned to help us deal with issues in our marriage. But I couldn’t help think of the many times where I have stonewalled or dissolved in angry silence because I didn’t want to deal with the issue or felt I wasn’t the one that needed to change. As I thought about those times and studied these lessons, I wondered how I could change my own heart to put these tools into practice. How could I learn to give my spouse the knowledge that I know him and respect him rather than be critical of what I thought he was doing wrong. 

In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John M. Gottman states that “There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.” This basically means that there are two sides to any situation and we have to be willing to step back from our side and try to see it from their perspective. We also need to “focus on fondness and admiration” and forgive because when we are willing to forgive our spouse, we both receive the benefits of that forgiveness.

As I think about how to change my own issues in conflicts, Gottman came up with a “new model for resolving conflict” and here are the steps: 

1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

Something that hit home for me in the reading was the example that Gottman used in his book where he talked about how this all boils down to having good manners. We need to have the same respect for our spouse that we would have for someone staying in our home. If they were to forget something or have an accident in our home, we would not yell, belittle or insult them. We shouldn’t do this to our loved one either. This is one thing I am trying harder to do. My husband deserves my respect and good manners. Showing him these things will help me to use the model Gottman teaches to resolve the conflicts that I face in my marriage. 

All this goes hand in hand with what H. Wallace Goddard says in his book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” when he states, “I must be willing to give away all my petty preferences in order to know the godliness in Nancy’s soul.” He goes on to say that we have to be willing to concentrate everything we have to our spouse and our relationship. We need to be willing to accept and look past the little things as much as we want them to do the same for us. Marriage is a covenant we made with God and our spouse. If Christ can bear our pains in the Garden of Gethsemane as Goddard states in his book, then we should be able to bear the trials we will experience in marriage. He can help us find ways to love our spouse more and to “give gladly and wholeheartedly.”

I love the action item Goddard purposes at the end of our reading this week. He asks, “Are you willing to try a 30-day experiment. For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner? Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner? Are you willing to invest your whole soul in the hope that you will gain eternal joy?” To his questions, I hope that we all say, “Challenge accepted!” With our whole heart and with gladness so that we can experience all the blessings Heavenly Father has in store of us and consecrate all that we have you our spouses.

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.