In Till Debt do us Part, the author, Bernard Poduska states “one of the most difficult transitions in life is from single life to marriage” (Poduska. 2000). In this book, Poduska is talking a lot about finances and adjusting to all that entails as people get married. However, there are more adjustments to make than financial. We have to adjust to the “baggage” we each bring to the marriage. Then there is the extended family and all their expectations. I remember the first time I meet my husband’s parent when he and I were first dating. It wasn’t too big of a deal because I had met them previously because I had been friends with his younger brother and their parents drove us to school events. They were welcoming and accepting of who I was and the things I added to the family. I am fortunate in this regard. Not many people can say they love their in-laws and feel accepted.
This didn’t happen in the family I grew up in. My two brothers married women that my mom didn’t connect with. Today, she has no contact with my older brother and his family. With my younger brother, his wife, and their two boys, her contact is limited to the occasional phone call because she expects him to be living in a certain way but they have chosen a different path. They believe a certain way that is different than hers and she’s having a hard time accepting that. Even with my own husband, she hasn’t been able to make a connection despite being a good man and sharing the same beliefs. As I look at this experience in my life, I know I would much rather have the relationship with my children’s spouses that I have with my own parent-in-laws than what my mom gets with her in-law children.
Years later, it’s my turn to be the parent with children who are getting close to being married. My oldest daughter’s boyfriend has asked my husband for his blessing to marry our daughter. They have been dating for over a year and are ready to make that next step. This situation is also a little different in that this young man has been in our home every night for the past year and a half for dinner. We have gotten to know him and have grown to love him. We have had no problem accepting him as part of our family.
Then there is my son, who has been home from his mission for over a year and finally made it to school campus this semester for his first time. A few weeks ago, he announced he was in a relationship with someone. We were taken back. We had no idea he was dating anyone on a serious level. We had the opportunity to chat with the young woman online. She seems nice and caring from the conversation we have had and they are well suited for each other. I look forward to getting to know her more should they continue their relationship.
It is through these experiences and what I learned this week I have come to know that love and support is what is needed for my children and their desire to progress towards marriage, even when they choose to marry someone who I may not have pictured them with. As they marry, each of them will have their own traditions and expectations they will have to work through. They don’t need me adding stress. They need my love, support, and respect as they create their own family. My expectation is that they love and care for each other. It is hard to realize the changes that are happening in my own family but I’m excited about the idea of adding each addition and getting to know them as they get to know the rest of the family.
References
Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part. Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.
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