Parenting

This semester, I took a class on parenting. Even though I have three grown children already out of our home and living on their own, I still have many things I learned. With one more child still home, I know I still have time to practice what I learn. Below are a few of the highlights that I felt impacted me from in course and will not only change how I parent this one child left in my home but will help me be a better adult to many other children I will come in contact in my life whether through church, in society, or with my own grandchildren.

Anger

Brigham Young, second President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, “Bring up your children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear you.”

During my study on the topic of anger with children, I learned that when we react to our children in anger, it is not the words we say that they hear but the anger in our voice, the look on our face, and the way they felt during the interaction that they remember more. And the more we act out in anger, the more they will learn to fear us rather than to listen to what we are telling them.

We need to deal with our anger and not take it out on our children. In an article titled, “How to Handle Your Anger at Your Child,” written for Psychology Today, Dr Laura Markham states that the most important thing to remember is to know act while we are angry. We need to commit to not using physical punishment, to not use negative words, either at our children or about them. Here are a few of her other recommendations in dealing with anger:

1. Set limits before you get angry
2. Make and post a list of acceptable ways to handle anger
3. Calm yourself before you take action (walk away if needed)
4. Wait before disciplining
5. Avoid physical force, no matter what
6. Avoid threats
7. Monitor your tone and word choice
8. Choose your battles
9. Consider that you’re part of the problem
10. Keep looking for effective ways to discipline that encourage better behavior
11. If you frequently struggle with your anger, seek counseling

Respect

Getting our children to respect adults in general has become an issue in modern culture. I have seen it in many families around me. I have seen it in the way youth treat people in society. However, we can change that but it must start in our own homes. In an article written by William J Doherty titled “Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect,” Doherty teaches there are 10 things we can do to have respect developed in our children and in ourselves. Here is a link to the full article: http://www2.cortland.edu/dotAsset/fa7bc4b5-bbad-4e13-809f-c404fa13560e.pdf but for today, I will only highlight the 10 things which are as follows:

1. Respect your child
2. Expect respect
3. Explain your policy on respect
4. Tune your ears to the sound of respect and disrespect
5. Stop disrespectful behavior as soon as it happens
6. Use special tone of voice in response to disrespect
7. Use time-outs for non-cooperation when the child will not stop the disrespectful behavior
8. Be firm but keep your cool
9. Combine zero tolerance with a long-term view and challenge every disrespectful behavior without exception
10. If the problem is chronic and these strategies don’t work, consider seeking family therapy

Emotional Coaching

Children go through emotions just like any of us. The difference is that they have to be taught how to manage themselves with they are experiencing those emotions and to properly express how they are feeling so they can learn how to deal with them. Doctors John and Julie Gottman are known for their relationship studies and how to develop better relationships. They teach how that when children are listened to and have their emotions validated, it helps them to know who they are and how to empathize with others. They learn to behave better because they know who they are and how to be around other people. They truly believe that emotion health effects how successful they are in other areas of their lives. Below is an interview Dr. John Gottman did on PBS that goes further on this idea:

From this video, we learn about how to teach emotion coaching with our children. Here are the steps Dr. Gottman gives to help us as parents to learn this:

1. Notice kids emotions
2. Help the kid feel understood validate
3. Verbally label their emotions
4. Understand the feelings where they come from 
5. Set limits for misbehavior 

Conclusion

Parenting is hard work. It takes constant attention to details and reevaluation what to do next. But our children need us to be our best. Heavenly Father needs us to be our best for His children. If there is one thing I have learned as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it is that we are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us. He has entrusted His children into our care while on earth. Because He loves us, He will help us to be our best. All we need to do is ask for His help. Prayer is a valuable tool as a parent. It has helped me in my parenting when managing my anger, learning about respect and implementing emotional coaching. As we seek divine assistance and learn from trusted experts, we can all be better parents.

References:

H. Wallace Goddard Soft Spoken Parent, p. 23

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201605/how-handle-your-anger-your-child

http://www2.cortland.edu/dotAsset/fa7bc4b5-bbad-4e13-809f-c404fa13560e.pdf