For what seems like forever, I have been doing online college. It started many years ago when my dream of finishing my college education finally became a possibility with Brigham Young University Idaho’s Pathways Program. It was designed for people like me wanting to get a college education but didn’t have the means or time to step onto a traditional college campus.
Now, here I am, in my senior year, two and a half semesters away from finally achieving my goal of that college bachelor’s degree. And yet, I have found myself in another class requiring me to write something for the worldwide web. When I decided to go back to school, I never dreamed it would involve the world in such this way. Although, if it takes a village to raise a child, maybe it takes the world to get a college education.
So, here I am, using this blog site I created many years ago for family things for yet another class, for another assignment. When I was a kid, it was my dream to be a writer. To have people read and be entertained by my ramblings. Today, I just hope to keep you awake long enough to get enough words in my word count but keep you wanting to come back to see what next I have to write about for my social media class.
What, may you ask, is a social media class? In a nutshell, it’s a class where you learn about social media and how to make it successful for a business. Some things we have learned so far are how to write for a blog site, tricks to be successful at blogging, and getting to know the audience. This is all in hope that someday, someone will hire and pay me to spend all day on social media. Who wouldn’t want to be paid to spend all their working hours on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram? Isn’t that every teenager's dream?
Here’s to another fun semester at Brigham Young University Idaho. Come back and check in often to see what fun things I have learned this week.
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Parenting
This semester, I took a class on parenting. Even though I have three grown children already out of our home and living on their own, I still have many things I learned. With one more child still home, I know I still have time to practice what I learn. Below are a few of the highlights that I felt impacted me from in course and will not only change how I parent this one child left in my home but will help me be a better adult to many other children I will come in contact in my life whether through church, in society, or with my own grandchildren.
Anger
Brigham Young, second President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, “Bring up your children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear you.”
During my study on the topic of anger with children, I learned that when we react to our children in anger, it is not the words we say that they hear but the anger in our voice, the look on our face, and the way they felt during the interaction that they remember more. And the more we act out in anger, the more they will learn to fear us rather than to listen to what we are telling them.
We need to deal with our anger and not take it out on our children. In an article titled, “How to Handle Your Anger at Your Child,” written for Psychology Today, Dr Laura Markham states that the most important thing to remember is to know act while we are angry. We need to commit to not using physical punishment, to not use negative words, either at our children or about them. Here are a few of her other recommendations in dealing with anger:
Set limits before you get angry
Make and post a list of acceptable ways to handle anger
Calm yourself before you take action (walk away if needed)
Wait before disciplining
Avoid physical force, no matter what
Avoid threats
Monitor your tone and word choice
Choose your battles
Consider that you’re part of the problem
Keep looking for effective ways to discipline that encourage better behavior
If you frequently struggle with your anger, seek counseling
Respect
Getting our children to respect adults in general has become an issue in modern culture. I have seen it in many families around me. I have seen it in the way youth treat people in society. However, we can change that but it must start in our own homes. In an article written by William J Doherty titled “Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect,” Doherty teaches there are 10 things we can do to have respect developed in our children and in ourselves. Here is a link to the full article: http://www2.cortland.edu/dotAsset/fa7bc4b5-bbad-4e13-809f-c404fa13560e.pdf but for today, I will only highlight the 10 things which are as follows:
Respect your child
Expect respect
Explain your policy on respect
Tune your ears to the sound of respect and disrespect
Stop disrespectful behavior as soon as it happens
Use special tone of voice in response to disrespect
Use time-outs for non-cooperation when the child will not stop the disrespectful behavior
Be firm but keep your cool
Combine zero tolerance with a long-term view and challenge every disrespectful behavior without exception
If the problem is chronic and these strategies don’t work, consider seeking family therapy
Emotional Coaching
Children go through emotions just like any of us. The difference is that they have to be taught how to manage themselves with they are experiencing those emotions and to properly express how they are feeling so they can learn how to deal with them. Doctors John and Julie Gottman are known for their relationship studies and how to develop better relationships. They teach how that when children are listened to and have their emotions validated, it helps them to know who they are and how to empathize with others. They learn to behave better because they know who they are and how to be around other people. They truly believe that emotion health effects how successful they are in other areas of their lives. Below is an interview Dr. John Gottman did on PBS that goes further on this idea:
From this video, we learn about how to teach emotion coaching with our children. Here are the steps Dr. Gottman gives to help us as parents to learn this:
Notice kids emotions
Help the kid feel understood validate
Verbally label their emotions
Understand the feelings where they come from
Set limits for misbehavior
Conclusion
Parenting is hard work. It takes constant attention to details and reevaluation what to do next. But our children need us to be our best. Heavenly Father needs us to be our best for His children. If there is one thing I have learned as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it is that we are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us. He has entrusted His children into our care while on earth. Because He loves us, He will help us to be our best. All we need to do is ask for His help. Prayer is a valuable tool as a parent. It has helped me in my parenting when managing my anger, learning about respect and implementing emotional coaching. As we seek divine assistance and learn from trusted experts, we can all be better parents.
In Till Debt do us Part, the author, Bernard Poduska states “one of the most difficult transitions in life is from single life to marriage” (Poduska. 2000). In this book, Poduska is talking a lot about finances and adjusting to all that entails as people get married. However, there are more adjustments to make than financial. We have to adjust to the “baggage” we each bring to the marriage. Then there is the extended family and all their expectations. I remember the first time I meet my husband’s parent when he and I were first dating. It wasn’t too big of a deal because I had met them previously because I had been friends with his younger brother and their parents drove us to school events. They were welcoming and accepting of who I was and the things I added to the family. I am fortunate in this regard. Not many people can say they love their in-laws and feel accepted.
This didn’t happen in the family I grew up in. My two brothers married women that my mom didn’t connect with. Today, she has no contact with my older brother and his family. With my younger brother, his wife, and their two boys, her contact is limited to the occasional phone call because she expects him to be living in a certain way but they have chosen a different path. They believe a certain way that is different than hers and she’s having a hard time accepting that. Even with my own husband, she hasn’t been able to make a connection despite being a good man and sharing the same beliefs. As I look at this experience in my life, I know I would much rather have the relationship with my children’s spouses that I have with my own parent-in-laws than what my mom gets with her in-law children.
Years later, it’s my turn to be the parent with children who are getting close to being married. My oldest daughter’s boyfriend has asked my husband for his blessing to marry our daughter. They have been dating for over a year and are ready to make that next step. This situation is also a little different in that this young man has been in our home every night for the past year and a half for dinner. We have gotten to know him and have grown to love him. We have had no problem accepting him as part of our family.
Then there is my son, who has been home from his mission for over a year and finally made it to school campus this semester for his first time. A few weeks ago, he announced he was in a relationship with someone. We were taken back. We had no idea he was dating anyone on a serious level. We had the opportunity to chat with the young woman online. She seems nice and caring from the conversation we have had and they are well suited for each other. I look forward to getting to know her more should they continue their relationship.
It is through these experiences and what I learned this week I have come to know that love and support is what is needed for my children and their desire to progress towards marriage, even when they choose to marry someone who I may not have pictured them with. As they marry, each of them will have their own traditions and expectations they will have to work through. They don’t need me adding stress. They need my love, support, and respect as they create their own family. My expectation is that they love and care for each other. It is hard to realize the changes that are happening in my own family but I’m excited about the idea of adding each addition and getting to know them as they get to know the rest of the family.
References
Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part. Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.
This week I learned about power in relationships and the importance of couples being one along with family councils. Something in Richard B. Miller’s article which was an address given at a BYU Conference on Family Life on March 28, 2008 entitled, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families,” struck me as interesting. He said, “Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems.” The husband and wife are to lead the family. They are the “executive committee” while the family as a hole is the “board of directors.” Issues should be addressed as a couple, sometimes even decided before taken to the family council but the family council is also important. I will get to that in a moment but there must be no mistake, husband and wives should be united in work and decision for the family. If this doesn’t happen, there will be a breakdown and chaos is felt in the family.
This reminds me of a story about some close relatives of mine. Many years ago, there became the need to get a computer in the family. However, the research and decision was solely made by the husband causing a rift in the couple relationship. The disagreement was vocalized and felt throughout the family and the children began to divide. It is interesting to think about it all these years later but as I look back, I can see the effect that one decision had on many others move forward. Today, that couple is still together and they still love each other but the effects are still felt as I look at my own marriage. It was this experience the caused my husband and I to have the agreement to not spend money without discussing things as a couple first. Couples need to be united on the little and big things in a marriage and in a family.
President Henry B Eyring stated in his General Conference address of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in May of 1998 that with the Spirit we can expect harmony in our homes. Contention will drive away that spirit. He goes on to say that “a united family…and world at peace depend on unified souls.” So much is riding on our ability to be united as a couple and as a family. It reminds me of all the General Authorities that have said that so much is affected, even outside our four walls, when there is discord in the home. The spirit of contention can muddy our home and then spread to everyone and everything we come into contact in our neighborhoods and our communities. It is so important that we not only seek for the Spirit and testify but that we work together as a couple and as a family in all that we do.
Councils are important, and having one as a family is no different. Many years ago, after our three oldest children were well into their elementary school ages, my husband and I felt another child needed to come to our family. We prayed and felt like it was Heavenly Father’s will for this to happen despite the fact that our youngest at the time was six years old. I really had no intention to have any more kids at that point but the Spirit confirmed that it was Heavenly Father’s plan for our family. However, we knew that this would dramatically change the dynamic in our home. Before we moved forward, we decided to take it to the family council so that our children were aware of what we felt needed to happen, share our testimony of how we got to the decision, and to get their feelings on the matter. We have been blessed with good children who not only were excited, they help to prepare for the new baby coming into our home. We were unified in this preparation which made the trials I faced during the pregnancy easier to bare because of the strength we drew off each other. It’s hard to say what we would have done if our children had disagreed with our decision but I’m happy to know that isn’t something I had to deal with. I have been blessed with the knowledge of the power and influence a united couple and family can have in our lives through these and many other experiences in my life.
http://familycircus.com/comic_tag/not-me/
References:
Eyring, H.B. (1998) That We May Be One, Ensign, https://www.lds.org/ensign/1998/05/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng
Miller, R.B. (2008) Who Is the Boss? Power Relationship in Families, https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/94841-Online.2016.Spring.FAML300.03/Course%20Files/Rick%20Miller-Power.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=7XrhxmpBkFcwdMrOSQPeorJqA&ou=94841
In his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard states “that Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means…We should be prepared for his attacks…By being aware of the danger signs we can prevent the problems that being so innocently but end so disastrously.” Things happen every day, everywhere in our lives that could easily draw us away from the one we have made covenants with. This became all too real for me soon after my husband and I were married but, at the time, I wasn’t aware of how disastrous it could have been.
I worked at a large retail chain store and had many friends, one of which, being a man just a little older than me but had developed a friendship with. Not long after, I met, dated and married, my husband but didn’t stop being friends with this gentleman because we both worked in the same department. It was hard to avoid him. At the time, I was naive to things like this but still should have known better because my mom always taught me to avoid even the appearance of evil. One day, he asked me to go to lunch with him. Again, not thinking beyond two co-workers having lunch together, I accepted. It wasn’t until later that day when my husband and I chatted that I was made aware of the danger this presented to our relationship. From that day on, we made the agreement to never be along with anyone of the opposite sex. We have lived that to the best of our abilities. If something were to happen that involved something of that nature, we would call each other in advance to let the other know which was the case about a year ago when my boss needed a ride to the dealership to pick up his car after repair service.
In the past few weeks, I received some opposition to the agreement my husband and I have made. My boss likes to give us money to take another employee out to lunch for is assigned to us in whatever random order is chosen. I was asked to take a male co-worker. When I shared the agreement I had with my husband with this person and others in the office, I was told how ridiculous it was when I asked to do a group thing rather than one on one. One person told me that it defeated the purpose of the activity, which was to get to know someone else in the office outside of work. Regardless of how they felt though, I’m standing my ground about honoring the commitment I made with my husband. We will see what happens but I’m hoping he will accept my offer to take both him and his wife to dinner with my husband.
http://dilbert.com/strip/2012-02-05
It is situations like these, Satan will make it seem innocent enough and try to weasel a wedge into our relationships. It’s hard to tell at first but if you follow the guidelines listed below from Goddard, you can prevent any disasters waiting to take your marriage down. Here is Goddard’s list:
Don’t allow thoughts, fantasies, etc of anyone to take root in your heart or mind.
Be aware of the messages you give to others, especially to those of the opposite sex.
Don’t look for and make excuses to spend time alone with anyone other than your spouse.
If you find yourself making excuses, get help!
Make every effort to not be alone with someone you may have feelings for that is not your spouse.
Stay away from pornography.
Look for ways and excuses to spend more time with your spouse.
Recommit yourself to your spiritual studies and experiences.
Celebrate your marriage and your spouse.
As I look back on that first experience many years ago, I recognize the things that could have gone wrong. But I am grateful for a husband that helped me see the error, forgave me quickly, and then committed us to the arrangement that we have honored all these years. By adding the preventions Goddard suggests, we can strengthen our commitment as we look for and prepare for all the ways Satan attacks the love we share.
References:
Goddard, H.W. (2007) Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
H. Wallace Goddard, in the conclusion of his book, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," states that "Jesus is not only the Creator of worlds but the Energizer of relationships." He teaches us throughout the book that the Lord not only needs to be a partner in our relationship to prosper but "He must be the ruling partner." It is through Him that we are successful in our marriages and can see beyond the little (and sometimes big) things that irate us about our spouse.
One way Christ helps us to be successful is through charity. Christ was the great exemplar of charity. He sees beyond the sin and pain and accepts the gift that is offered from the lowest of persons. Goddard teaches that when we love our spouse as they are, regardless of what is perceived as flaws, we won't care that they change and it is in that "very thing that liberates them to change."
I have seen this principle work in my own life. As a young wife with small kids, I would often sit in a Relief Society meeting and hear lessons of what I thought I wanted my husband to be. I dreamed of the strong priesthood leader in my home that would come home from work on a Monday night and lead our family in a spiritual discussion that would take our children on the path of the gospel truth. It wasn't long before I realized, at that time, it wasn't what my husband could give. Most days, it was all he could do to peal himself out of bed just to provide a living for our small family. It wasn't until he lost his job and I accepted him for all that he could give that things began to change for us. I was the one that lead our family in those spiritual discussions. It was my efforts that got our children to church every week so they knew our traditions and dedication to the gospel to living according to the covenants we made. When I learned to back off on my expectations and love my husband for what he could give, that is when he began to be a greater force in our home and in the Priesthood. Today, he is the Priesthood leader I saw in him so many years ago. Today, he is the force of good and strength in our home that I knew he could be when he struggled so much. I create this to the Spirit helping me to see his potential, not his lack.
Goddard ends his chapter on charity by stating that "our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don't wait to be loved." Today, my husband is the husband I dreamed of. Not because he is active in the church and leading our family in good, gospel discussions, but because he loves me for me just as much as I love him for him. And most of all, we love the Lord and truly make Him the Energizer of our relationship.
References:
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
One thing I have enjoyed about this marriage class are the tools we have learned to help us deal with issues in our marriage. But I couldn’t help think of the many times where I have stonewalled or dissolved in angry silence because I didn’t want to deal with the issue or felt I wasn’t the one that needed to change. As I thought about those times and studied these lessons, I wondered how I could change my own heart to put these tools into practice. How could I learn to give my spouse the knowledge that I know him and respect him rather than be critical of what I thought he was doing wrong.
In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John M. Gottman states that “There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.” This basically means that there are two sides to any situation and we have to be willing to step back from our side and try to see it from their perspective. We also need to “focus on fondness and admiration” and forgive because when we are willing to forgive our spouse, we both receive the benefits of that forgiveness.
As I think about how to change my own issues in conflicts, Gottman came up with a “new model for resolving conflict” and here are the steps:
Soften your start-up.
Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
Soothe yourself and each other.
Compromise.
Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.
Something that hit home for me in the reading was the example that Gottman used in his book where he talked about how this all boils down to having good manners. We need to have the same respect for our spouse that we would have for someone staying in our home. If they were to forget something or have an accident in our home, we would not yell, belittle or insult them. We shouldn’t do this to our loved one either. This is one thing I am trying harder to do. My husband deserves my respect and good manners. Showing him these things will help me to use the model Gottman teaches to resolve the conflicts that I face in my marriage.
All this goes hand in hand with what H. Wallace Goddard says in his book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” when he states, “I must be willing to give away all my petty preferences in order to know the godliness in Nancy’s soul.” He goes on to say that we have to be willing to concentrate everything we have to our spouse and our relationship. We need to be willing to accept and look past the little things as much as we want them to do the same for us. Marriage is a covenant we made with God and our spouse. If Christ can bear our pains in the Garden of Gethsemane as Goddard states in his book, then we should be able to bear the trials we will experience in marriage. He can help us find ways to love our spouse more and to “give gladly and wholeheartedly.”
I love the action item Goddard purposes at the end of our reading this week. He asks, “Are you willing to try a 30-day experiment. For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner? Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner? Are you willing to invest your whole soul in the hope that you will gain eternal joy?” To his questions, I hope that we all say, “Challenge accepted!” With our whole heart and with gladness so that we can experience all the blessings Heavenly Father has in store of us and consecrate all that we have you our spouses.
References:
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
“When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod.” President Ezra Taft Benson, “Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989
President Ezra Taft Benson, in an article entitled “Beware of Pride,” reminds us that the scriptures tell us that “there is no such thing as righteous pride…” because pride is “self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness…Pride is competitive in nature…” It is because of pride that we turn our backs on the tools that could help us be better people in all that we do. It is pride that does not allow us to see what we have done wrong, repent, and mend broken hearts.
However, President Benson tells us that “the antidote to pride is humility-meekness, submissiveness…the broken heart and contrite spirit…” When something is amiss in our relationships, we don’t have control over anyone other than ourselves. If we want something to change for the better, we must be willing to let go of our pride and make those changes.
In his book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” H Wallace Goddard states that “anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is…an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” This has been something I have felt more in recent years. I have learned during this time that when I let go of whatever it is that is driving me crazy and focus more serving my spouse, then things are happier in our home.
As a young married woman, there were things I thought were driving me crazy. We would talk about those things but nothing would ever change. It wasn’t until years later and after lots of my own learning, did I realize I was focused on the wrong things. As I turned my focus more on the Spirit, I found ways to be more supportive of my husband and things began to change in even better ways than I could have imagined. Today, when I find that something is starting to irritate me, I call myself to repentance and look for ways to show a greater increase of love. This truly has brought a better spirit into our home and into my heart.
References:
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
In the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," author H. Wallace Goddard states that "...faith...causes us to be a little more patient with temporary-but annoying-humanness" (Goddard, 2007) It's funny how that makes so much sense now after 20 some years of marriage. When my husband and I were first dating, I remember him asking me to stop being so loud when I swallow my drinks. I was not aware of how loud I was being nor had I ever been told by any friends or family in the past. I was dumbfounded by his comment and it ended up igniting a heated discussion. Today, I don't remember how it was resolved but since we still continued to date and then marry, we must have found some way to look past those annoying human things and be a little more patient with each other.
Shortly after we were married, my husband shared a story with me that kind of went along the same lines. A couple was sitting down together one day and the wife asked the husband if they could each make a list of the little things that annoyed each of them about the other. She had some things that really bothered her and thought for sure that he had some things that bothered him about her. If they both made a list, then she would feel better about what she had to say in hopes that he would work on them while she worked on those things he found annoying. He agreed and they each took some time to make their list. As they came together, the husband allowed the wife to go first. She proceeded to read from her list and finally concluded that she could not stand the way he ate his grapefruit. When she completed her list, she gave him his opportunity to share. He turned over his paper to reveal there was nothing about her that he found annoying and felt like she was perfect in every way. He told her that as he pondered on what he could put on his list, he realized those things really didn't matter because he saw her for something more than these things that might annoy someone. Needless to say, the wife was shocked and realized that she too loved her husband more than she cared about the way he ate his grapefruit.
Goddard reminds us in his book that we need to see our spouses as our Heavenly Father sees them. They are full of great potential. If we love them and keep an eternal perspective, our faith can help us look beyond the weakness and strengthen our marriages through this journey on earth.
References:
Godard, H.W. (2007) Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
In the Book of Mormon in the book of Mosiah chapter 3 verse 19, it reads, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”
In our marriages, we are more apt to be ourselves without the facade that we tend to give the outside world. We are harder on those we see on an everyday basis. It wasn’t too long ago that I shared this very thing in our own family because of children that were fighting. I also shared that many General Authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have taught how we should give our best selves to the world and our families but more so to our families. We shouldn’t go out in the world and then come back with only leftovers for our families. They deserve more. Our spouses, especially, deserve our best and not what is left at the end of the day.
I know this is a hard thing to put into action. It hasn’t been easy for me and still isn’t easy. I have to work at it every day because I tend to let my human nature run wild. Many years ago, as I talked with a cousin of mine about some marriage stress, she helped me realize that if I would just ask myself what part I played in an argument, I might find a solution a lot quicker. There are always two sides of an argument. The sooner I realize the role I played, the sooner I could correct my actions because the only person I have control over to change is myself.
One thing I also learned over the years I have been married is that the best way for me to feel better about my husband is to find ways to serve him. This helped many years ago when he was working full time and trying to get his bachelors degree. We had three of our four children at the time and I also worked part-time to try to supplement our starving student budget. Because of my husband’s long hours away from the home, much of the family and household chores fell on me. There were many nights when I could use the help of my husband. However, I knew that complaining would not change what needed to be done nor support my husband in the goals we had set together. Those were tough times. Rather than wallow in those crazy times, I learned to find ways to not only meet the demands of my household but to also provide a little service to my husband because what he was doing wasn’t easy either. There were many times that exhaustion got the better of me but for those moments I truly sought better ways, I could feel my love for my husband strengthen.
Elder David A. Bednar said in his talk titled, “Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan” that “We are ordinary people who must accomplish a most extraordinary work.” He said this because it is our responsibility to learn and teach Heavenly Father’s plan and live by that example to all those we come in contact with. Some people often wonder if they are equal to the work that is being asked of us. However, Heavenly Father knows we can do it. He has given us the spiritual resources in which to help us be the righteous examples He needs us to be, especially to our children.
The most important resource is Jesus Christ. We, as parents, as husband and wife, need to make Him our focus, our center. As we focus on His teachings and strive to make our relationship closer with Him, we, in turn, will be making our relationship with our spouse closer too.
In a talk given in October 1996, Elder Bruce C. Hafen said that “when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” As husband and wife, we each need to be working hard on our relationship. When one is dragging or a little weak, the other can pick it up until the other can regain their strength again. Marriage does require a leap of faith. A couple must be keeping the covenants they make without knowing what will go wrong. They must be willing to be obedient to God and make sacrifices for each other. When they do, the blessings they receive will bring unimaginable joy and happiness. Elder Hafen also said, “when we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength.”
I would like to think that I’m a strong person on my own. However, I know the joy of having someone by my side and the strength he has given me in some very hard times. Just when I think I’m at the end of my rope and ready to give in, he jumps in and adds his strength to mine. There have even been times he has carried the load by himself because I was just too weak. As I think about the future and what it holds for us, the happiness and tears, I know I have a husband who loves and supports me but also loves the Lord. It is because of our commitment to each other and to the Lord that we are able to meet the demands of this “extraordinary work.”
References:
Hafen, Bruce C. (November 1996). “Covenant Marriage.” Ensign.
Bednar, David A. (June 2006). “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” Ensign.
This week, we read the Supreme Court ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges (2015) relating to same-sex marriage and rights being violated according to the fourteenth amendment. I’m not totally sure I understand the exact argument but it all boils down to a group of gay people who were married in states or tried to get licenses to marry but were turned away and/or not recognized for their choice in partner. I know this subject is a touchy subject for many and a hot button for debate. My thoughts are not to inflict pain on any one person or group. I know that people have the right to believe and act according to their beliefs and hope that my beliefs would be respected in return.
For me, marriage is between a man and a woman, to love and support each other in the nurturing and teaching of their children. This can only be done in the bonds of marriage. God designed our bodies and natures to compliment each other. Men and woman are each equipped to take on certain aspects of parenthood and marriage. Nothing hurts the heart more than hearing someone say that they don’t need a man or a woman (depending on their own sex) in their life to be complete. Heavenly Father did not design us to be alone. However, He also did not design us to be with someone of the same sex. Heavenly Father design sacred roles for each sex. We can cover for a little while should the need arise, each other’s role but we will fall short of the designed plan and goals that would be accomplished were we to be with someone of the opposite sex.
I love my husband very much and he does complete me. I fall short in many areas and he is there to help pick up the pieces and make it better. He fulfills his roles as husband and father in the ways Heavenly Father intended them to be and there is no way I could ever imagine having to be both mother and father to my children.
This weeks lesson has opened my eyes to many things. I have nothing but respect for people fighting for their rights and trying to get the law to recognize what they want. I believe everyone should love and be loved. But I don’t want to be told that the way I believe is wrong and feel attacked for those beliefs. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, in The Articles of Faith (no. 11) “We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.” This means a lot to me and helps me to remember that I need to respects other in their beliefs and much as I want to be respected, especially since this a belief held by The Church as a whole.
Elder Dallin H Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has this to say:
"Inevitably, the actions of those who try to follow God’s plan of salvation can cause misunderstanding or even conflict with family members or friends who do not believe its principles. …
Whatever the cause of conflict with those who do not understand or believe God’s plan, those who do understand are always commanded to choose the Lord’s way instead of the world’s way.
The gospel plan each family should follow to prepare for eternal life and exaltation is outlined in the Church’s 1995 proclamation, “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” Its declarations are, of course, visibly different from some current laws, practices, and advocacy of the world in which we live. … I testify that the proclamation on the family is a statement of eternal truth, the will of the Lord for His children who seek eternal life. It has been the basis of Church teaching and practice for the last 22 years and will continue so for the future. Consider it as such, live by it, and you will be blessed."
References:
Obergefell v. Hodges (Supreme Court of the United States, 2015)
Oaks, Dallin H. ( September 2017). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Talk Summaries. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/talk-summaries-saturday-morning?lang=eng
Looking back on my life, I don’t remember a lot of families different than my own; two-parent families raising children together under one roof. I can actually only count a few friends that I remember being raised in a single parent family. But as I look around today as I raise my children, many of my friends and my children’s friends’ families are raising children in single-parent families or in other situations like cohabitation. Marriage has taken on different forms in the world’s view and it is having strong consequences on our families as well as the world as a whole.
In an article I read entitled, “The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation,” Paul Amato sets out to addressing three issues; children and their overall well-being in today’s changing families, marking the difference between changing families versus traditional families, and getting the government to set policies in which to strengthen marriages rather than penalize them.
What stood out in Amato’s article was not only was he addressing the issues and challenges faced by families and communities, but he presented solutions. He supported his ideas with numbers and studies that explained what families are going through and then he came up with ways the government could set policy to support them and best equip them. He truly wants people to understand the importance of raising children in a home with two happy, committed adults.
One thing I learned growing up was that disharmony in a family comes from selfishness. Something that has helped me, not only in my marriage but in many other relationships, is to seek opportunities to serve. Many times when I have felt angry or disappointment when something hasn’t gone the way I expected in a relationship. By seeking opportunities to serve, I have felt the burden of those emotions be lifted from my heart. As we learn to focus more outwardly rather than inwardly, we can help strengthen our family and our marriages more by finding ways in which to serve them. I truly believe that the more we emulate this in our families, the more our children will do those things within our families and the happier they will be because home is a happy place for them to be.
References:
Amato, P. R. (2005). The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation. The Future of Children, Volume 15 (2), pp. 75-96.
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